Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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