I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just invented taco cereal.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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