I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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