I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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