I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
