I just threw up on my dentist
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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