Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
