I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
