So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
