I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
