Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
