I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
