We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
