My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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