Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You pole danced in your parka.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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