I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
