You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
