Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize