Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The air was thick with penises
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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