yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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