I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
whose parrot is this?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
