both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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