Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
