My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
