and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They took my balls.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
