he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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