The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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