i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
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I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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