My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How naked do you want me to be?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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