anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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