who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
