I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
