Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just pee around me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
