take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
