So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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