I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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