U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
