The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
