i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
