My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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