is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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