so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize