Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
