he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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