She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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