You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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