Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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