i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
