my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm passing your future prison.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
