She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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