Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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