i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
