I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
