I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
