i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
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this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
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I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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