I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
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i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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