you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
