Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
